Why “Gunner Palace” is the greatest film in the history of American cinema

YO! Youth Outlook, Movie Review, Published Apr. 4, 2005

I almost had seventeen orgasms sitting in the movie theater, spilling red wine all over my Frisco jersey and rubbing on my girl’s thigh. Not because of the girl, really, but because I love God. And God has a hard-on for Marines because they keep heaven packed with fresh bodies.

I almost had seventeen orgasms because I was watching this movie called Gunner Palace. Have you seen it? Probably not, because the only way to see it is to tunnel through the sewers and buy a pirated copy from me in Chinatown. For real, dog. Holler. (Or you can go to http://www.gunnerpalace.com to see where you can catch it.)

Let me give you a brief synopsis of the film. You know how most war movies are slow-moving and boring and all about honor and glory and duty and other such bullshit? Well, Gunner Palace is not that. It is a documentary made by this dude Michael Tucker, and all he did was go to Iraq and hang out with teenage marines with guns that weigh more than the space between their ears. Then he rolled the camera and the black marines started rapping, the white corn-fed Marines played guitar and the brown dudes didn’t really do interviews.

This movie is not about war or Iraq or any boring CNN cornball shit like that. It is about our generation. It is about disaffected youth who just wanna smoke weed and get their fat girlfriends pregnant and go to community college and s–t, but instead they fly helicopters in the desert and f–king blast Eminem while doing it. If you are an old person who often says to himself, “What the hell is wrong with these crazy kids?” Or “In my day….” – whatever. Then you are a stupid old person who doesn’t understand s–t and your dad probably doesn’t get you either. But if you are interested in discovering the raw, gorgeous, vulnerable transformation of the biggest generation since the baby boomers sucked up the goddamn social security, watch this movie.

We are young and we have nothing to look forward to. Did you ever see that show Jackass? It’s a bunch of psychopathic motherf–kers snorting wasabi, stapling hot dogs to their ass cheeks and so forth. Gunner Palace is Jackass in the desert. With guns. So beat that. It’s amazing. We are lost boys, afraid and insecure because our dads are dead and they never taught us how to fight or fix cars or drink beer or not cry. We had to learn all our “man s–t” from our moms. And that’s why we’re all screwed up. We are angry, scared, misguided and we have guns in the desert. You thought Columbine was cool? We grew up with the Twin Towers for a pacifier and then some Arabs exploded those things on TV. So now we kill whoever we want to and you can’t do shit about it. We are a generation of hippie killers. And Arabs are kind of like hippies—long beards and they eat hummus. Our parents are hippies and the experiment failed. It was just a bunch of middle class white kids being lazy and watching movies and emulating Serpico or whatever.

We have no concept of reality because we learned how to act from those f–ked up kids on The Real World. America was feminized by all our single mothers and Hillary Clinton and Oprah and the only way we can fight back is to join fight clubs or the Marines and be fucking men and kill s–t.

And that’s what Gunner Palace is about. So go see it.

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